playing a new game called *how many slices can I get out of a small apple*
I’m pretty sure the coffee would still be too far away if I lived in a 6x4 studio apartment…
I think I might just have rice, sweet chili sauce, and tuna for lunch everyday. maybe throw in some spinach to mix it up occasionally. and when my body has fully adapted to pescatarianism I will drop the seafood and go full vege.
eurgh. no supervisor feedback yet on paper. I guess that means I am reading and notetaking today.
I wish I had picked an easier field to do my PhD in sometimes. emergent fields are really a lot of work guys. If you ever do your PhD don’t go into emergent fields of research…
I am so. Fucking. Angry.
About people who abuse people. About people who abuse animals.
About people who hurl insults at women like FAT and SLOB that have nothing to do with what you should be fucking focusing on and thus perpetuating the idea that fat/ ugly is synonymous with horrible people - especially if they are women.
I am just fucking angry at everything. Terrible Fucking Human Beings. I hope they all fucking die horrible deaths. Fucking, Check out. If you are an abuser, do us a fucking favour and check out. Fuck Off. The world does not want or need you. You are disgusting.
When [an abusive man] tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didn’t do something even worse. For example, I might say, “You called her a fucking whore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time, but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?” And the client can always give me a reason. Here are some common explanations:
"I wouldn’t want to cause her a serious injury."
“I realized one of the children was watching.”
“I was afraid someone would call the police.”
“I could kill her if I did that.”
“The fight was getting loud, and I was afraid the neighbors would hear.”
And the most frequent response of all:
"Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”
The response that I almost never heard — I remember hearing it twice in the fifteen years — was: “I don’t know.”
These ready answers strip the cover off of my clients’ loss of control excuse. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of a number of questions: “Am I doing something that other people could find out about, so it could make me look bad? Am I doing anything that could get me in legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am I doing anything that I myself consider too cruel, gross, or violent?”
A critical insight seeped into me from working with my first few dozen clients: An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I can’t remember a client ever having said to me: “There’s no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.” He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.
I sometimes ask my clients the following question: “How many of you have ever felt angry enough at your mother to get the urge to call her a bitch?” Typically half or more of the group members raise their hands. Then I ask, “How many of you have ever acted on that urge?” All the hands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazes on me, as if I had just asked whether they sell drugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask, “Well, why haven’t you?” The same answer shoots out from the men each time I do this exercise: “But you can’t treat your mother like that, no matter how angry you are! You just don’t do that!”
The unspoken remainder of this statement, which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But you can treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as long as you have a good enough reason. That’s different.” In other words, the abuser’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable….
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (via semidaughter)
I’ve blogged this a few times, and it hits close to home because my ex-stepfather would hit me and hurt me but not his own daughter, nor his wife - my mother (though he did throw something at her once). And I knew without a doubt that he was able to hit me because I wasn’t his daughter. He could say the things he said to me because I was an intruder, a trouble maker, and inherently unlovable. Noone ever questioned it. People rarely stood up for me. It was understood that I wasn’t his, therefore the abuse was OK. I carry that pain. If he lost control, how come he didn’t sexually abuse his own daughter? or slam her into a wall? How come he didn’t smack my mothers head into a concrete floor by the roots of her hair repeatedly? How come his sons were never backhanded and then beaten in front of their friends at their 9th birthday party? How come he didn’t tell anyone else they were stupid, worthless, and disgusting. If he lost control, why did he only do it around me? It’s because I wasn’t his. I was just some bitch who ruined his life.
Yeah, I do NOT love the Gatsby movie
All Sparkle no substance
sometimes i think of all the bands I have seen live, and I think…yeah. everyone should be jealous of me. thats right.
turned on my laptop just so i could make one tweet about one of the texts in Claire Bishop’s Participation.
Anonymous asked: daisy through orange blossom
Daisy:How old were you when you had your first kiss?
um… 13 I think? his name was Shane. i think that was my first kiss…
Carnation:If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer?
look, Brand New. I need to see them again
Jasmine:What color looks best on you?
Black. ALWAYS black.
Allium:What’s the best thing you can cook?
I make a mean vegetarian Pizza. also, you should try my salt and pepper calamari. and my dairy/ meat free carbonara. I also think my mushroom bok choy stirfry is the best, but my kid doesn’t agree…
Orange Blossom:If you could pick the gender and appearance of your child, would you?
I already have a girl who looks pretty damn perfect with her olive skin, button nose, and ash blonde hair - not to mention blue eyes which change dependent on the colour she is wearing and her mood (they go grey, green, and hazel). I did OK the first time round. no need to try again!
my favourite part of tuesdays is spending hours dissecting the latest walking dead episode with my friend Hanna. best.
The world is full of amazing people.
Also, I have fucked off my facebook and got a new one that none of my family should be able to find me on. hopefully.
I’d love to be able to get rid of it completely, but all my backpacking friends and amazing activists i have met around the world are on there and also all my amazing friends from tumblr and I am just not willing to lose that link with people.
I do feel better though. and strangely wistful. I’ve had that account since… 06?? I remember having it when I was at Tafe. a friend in the US messaged me on Myspace (!!!) and was like, ‘I’ve just started using this thing called facebook. you should join up. It’s like this college thing, but its cool” and so i did, and If I didn’t still love the woman so much i would hate her for making me join that cult. also, I plan to see her when I am in florida because Kate and Florida just seems too amazing.