I’m still laughing at this one line from “tony abbotts leaked itinerary”
*wonders if these international women have visa’s
2:30 am… still editing. this doc is coming together so well. I can’t wait to do the big massive edit of THE ENTIRE thing tomorrow. I know it is repetitive in places, and I managed to get a few things today, but I find it’s easier to do it on paper… then I can compare. Mostly, I’m happy with how the argument is shaping. I am confident I have adequately identified the gaps in the literature, as well as how I intend to address some of them. I am confident I know my shit. Yep, it’s all lookingg good.
I still haven’t named what I am trying to facilitate though. I have managed to name what I am calling Consumer Craftivism (pretty explanatory - craftivism that requires economic capital, is largely created for a white audience, and has a white saviour complex - thus it is exclusionary). The activism I am more interested in however, is that in which the facilitator acts as a kind of conduit - so, I am here to present you with a new way to tell your story, and I will help you in anyway I can. I believe that this is the only way we can start to form an inclusive voice, as the facilitator is not concerned with proving a particular activist point (ie, the fashion industry is fundamentally evil). When the facilitator does this, they begin to see themselves as the one true voice who speaks on behalf of and for the masses (delegation and political fetishism is an interesting read on this form of activism).
I don’t know why I am writing all this here. I guess I am just trying to work through this part so I can get to the part where I can NAME what it is I am aiming to do.
today I caught my kid drawing on my notes.
So great to see nothing has changed since being a toddler…
Dean’s crush on Jo is just the cutest thing in the world and makes me smile so hard
so, I just want to take a moment to thank all the people who sent me kind words over the last few weeks and reminded me to keep breathing because it would pass. Thank you all so much because those words and messages helped immensely and even though I was unable to reply and am still struggling a little with communication (its still ich) today wasn’t as bad as yesterday which was better than the day before.
Also, ,last night I dreamed about the fantastic four with a black Johnny Storm, and the fantastic four and asgard universes merged and it was just glorious.
yesterday at work, this girl came in and I helped her with a bunch of stuff cos that’s what I do and as she was leaving she goes “by the way, I LOVE your look” and that’s it my day is made.
so after commenting on that post last night I couldn’t get to sleep with various childhood events and comments replaying through my head.
I started to try to use some of the techniques I am learning in therapy - validating my experiences, feeling, telling the child who experienced these things that they are loved and will be fine - most importantly breathing and recognising each feeling that comes up - seeing what it feels like, what it looks like, how it tastes (my psych accidentally laughed when she asked what my anger looks like and I said “my mum”. apparently most people say “red” or something. WELL…. I’m not most people!). My whole life I have simply buried, refused to feel - pushed everything away because being numb and intellectualising was preferable to feeling the hurt, anxiousness and abandonment that characterised my childhood. I never realised I did this until it was pointed out by my psych. I am quite dissociated from my own feelings and experiences - It’s like I am two different people; the one who feels, and the one who deals. anyway, the point of thiis is I have had very little sleep. I might try and nap before work otherwise I won’t be very effective, except I promised myself I would reply to emails today…
It’s pretty bad now. I couldn’t get myself out of bed until 1pm. I’ve since had a gherkin (all I allowed myself) and a coffee. I am back in bed blogging. I went to check the mail, but there is work being done on the apartment building so there are people outside - I quickly closed the door.
I know this is probably just the meds adjusting… I don’t know. I just want to be normal is that too much to ask? I want to be able to eat instead of allowing myself one small thing. I want to be able to throw clothes on without being paranoid. I want to be able to have a shower without curling up in the corner and refusing to look at my body. I want to be able to sit and lie and not be aware of every piece of flesh. I’m so tired. this has been over half of my life already. I want to start living. I am sick of being a prisoner.
I just got an invitation to my brothers engagement party. I know I should go but I don’t know I am ready to face my sister who will be there and other members of my family including my ex step-father. Therapy has just made a lot of old wounds raw. I can’t explain this to my mum because she thinks I am being melodramatic. My brother will react in a passive aggressive way. And I honestly don’t think I can handle being face to face with someone who said I make her hate herself, She blames herself for how I turned out, and that I am the worst among other things. I might discuss it with my psych before I make a decision, but maybe I just need to suck it up for one evening - for the greater good and all. it would suck, and I might be housebound for a week but that might be better than if i DONT go.
I got tagged! Tagged by: velutluna
Rule 1: Always post the rules
Rule 2: Answer the questions the person who tagged you asked, and write 11 new ones.
Rule 3: Tag 11 people and link them to the post.
Rule 4: Message the people you’ve tagged to let them know you’ve tagged them.
1. Name the last three books you read and add a description/impression in one sentence. Walking Dead 121 - holy motherfuckingshit. The Bell Jar - Why didn’t I read this earlier you are my everything. The Dark Returns - Ugh. Just, UGH. really Miller?
2. If you could be in any fictional world for a day, which would it be? I have this temptation to answer with any dystopian world which would be stupid because I am not sure I would survive. And then I think - maybe a Tolkien world which also wouldn’t really work for me. SO, I have to say I would maybe like to live as a Dhampir in the vampire academy world because training, awesome people, and Rose Hathaway. I would need to be friends with her for every reason.
3. Would the answer change if you were staying a year? maybe - Strigoi.
4. Is there something you have always wanted to try but haven’t? (Why haven’t you?). Skydiving and bungee jumping. I am afraid of heights. My whole body seizes up. Also, when i went to bungee jump i found out they weighed you and wrote your weight on your hand and that right there sealed me never doing it.
5. If you had to have a different name, what would it be? Gertrude Gertrovsky
6. What would you save if your house was on fire? (Maximum of five objects). My kid, my cat, my laptop, and her ipod.
7. If you could bring any fictional character to life, who and why? Rose Hathaway. She is just a badass. definitely one of my favourite fictional characters
8. If you had to listen to one artist for the rest of your life, who would it be? ohhhh i am torn between Jesse Lacey and Jeff Buckley because their voices are like silk caressing your brain
9. You are the only person who can avert the apocalypse. Who do want to be your partner/mentor/helper? Morgan Freeman.
10. Which of the five sense would you give up if you had to and why? feel. definitely feel it seems to be my kryptonite. If i can’t feel maybe life will be easier.
11. Describe me in one sentence. You are one of the kindest, quirkiest, thoughful, generous, and most genuine lovely people ever.
(I’m so sorry lovely, I cannot think of any questions. I was trying, and all that happened was my cat is happy because I was patting him as I tried to think!)
higher medication dose. still hiding in my room. still not sleeping.
At what point does…. I dont even know actually. i dont know what i was going to say.
I gave up on trying to find things that make me awesome. it was depressing me that I literally could not think of anything. I hide from everyone and everything except my kid. I don’t know what I will tell my psych. the truth I guess. that I am pathetic and can’t even do one task. Everytime i tried though there is this big gaping blackness and I am confronted with just how awful I am and i remember awful things I have done and said and awful moments and awful people and my mum and my stepdad and my family reminding me how awful I am and i feel my skin touching other skin and my stomach feels so big and the cellulite and this ugly thing on my face and all of me that is just so hideous and disgusting and I can’t work beucase i look at my writing and i freeze.and then there was that story on the news tonight detailing sexual abuse that was so similar to something that happened to me and I had to breathe and I know I am emotionally stunted but I don’t WANT to deal with this. I just want to keep on keeping on but I can’t and I just don’t know anymore. I think it hurts… but the truth is, I feel nothing. I think I am dead inside.
The only thing that i have gotten any joy from is trying to help Liz.
thoroughly enjoyed my green day retrospective today. Even if half my cds won’t play on this piece of shit cd player (seriously. WHY WONT YOU PLAY DOOKIE THIS IS JUST INSULTING) and I also can’t find my copy of kerplunk.
(yes, this means my retrospective was just international superhits, nimrod, warning, and American Idiot)